shook up

i was driving through the hills earlier this morning, and had to stop to capture a shot of how beautiful it was. the green rolling hills, the bright fall colors, and the vineyards perfectly aligned. i'm pretty lucky to call this place home. 

a few weeks ago, a feeling came over me after witnessing an accident that i still haven't been able to shake. ava had just left with her grandparents to go see a play at the mission, which is about a 20 minute drive from our house. the husband and i packed up the diaper bag and nolan and decided to head out for a little dinner while she was gone. while we were driving on the highway, and chatting we came to a dead stop out of nowhere. you could see in the distance that there was an accident, and the first thing that my eyes noticed was the color of the car. it was the same colored car that ava had drove away in. 

my heart instantly sank into my stomach and i felt as though i couldn't breathe. i know tyler and i were both thinking the same thing, but we were too scared to say anything out loud. the moments that passed trying to get closer to the scene seemed like eternity. i couldn't help but thinking about the image i would came across seeing my precious baby girl in the back of that car. that made me panic even more. was that the last time i would see her beautiful face, and cheeky smile? i could see how antsy tyler was getting by the small swerves he was making with the car trying to get a better view.

my stomach hurt. i was getting hot flashes and i really wanted to cry.

then, i saw how bad the accident was. i saw the people standing around and a man wearing the same clothes as her grandpa was wearing. that's when i really began to panic. how is this happening? i closed my eyes and began to pray. i prayed, and prayed and prayed. i prayed for an image of ava still smiling in the back seat of the car so very excited about her play. we crept closer.

it wasn't her.

after we finalized we still had our baby girl here safe and sound, the rest of the car ride was mostly silence. he knew what i was thinking, and i knew what he was thinking. there really weren't any words to say. 

life is so short, and so precious. every day i look at my kids and my husband and i love them so much more as the minutes pass. i couldn't imagine, nor do i want to imagine losing any of them. life is unpredictable, and sometimes unfair. i've been using that feeling that came over me that day as a sign from the lord. telling me to start working on my flaws and be more loving, and more open to those around me. to my kids, my husband, even to strangers. start focusing on the good, and don't fret about the bad. bad will always try to haunt you, and things will go wrong. i don't want regrets, i want memories. loving someone and kindness is what life is about. 

we certainly need more of it in our world.